TLP 17. An undeniable urge to be real.

Lately, I’ve been feeling such a fierce and undeniable urge to just be completely real and authentic in every moment. It has grown to become more important to me than anything else. I feel centered and more peaceful than ever. It’s almost as if I previously had different versions of me and that they now are coming together as one. I’m starting to feel whole. I’m boiling with gratitude and love. I feel the urge to genuinely go out of my way to help people. I give my honest opinion straight from my heart, and I express my gratitude, not just to be polite, I feel it when I say it. Even more importantly, I truly enjoy expressing my gratitude, and I’m looking for opportunities to do so. I tell people what I genuinely think. I share my emotions without filtering, and even more importantly I live out my emotions, I feel expressive. I am more open and honest than I have been in perhaps my entire life and it feels incredibly liberating. It feels empowering. Strangely, at the same time as it makes me vulnerable, it makes me feel stronger. Every reflection I share, every emotion I put to words, feels like pressing out air bubbles stuck inside of me, making me solid.

Being fully myself in every situation is something that has always been very hard for me. I grew up a single child alone with my mother, and during my first few conscious years we lived in a semi-rough neighborhood in my hometown Malmö. I was a minority, and I had to learn how to adapt early. I was the only white kid at my first kindergarten and there was only one other child that could speak Swedish. I grew up hanging out by myself in the courtyard between the housing complexes, trying to make friends with other courtyard kids. Adapting myself to fit in and make friends became second nature, almost like a survival instinct. It’s human nature to try to adapt when you are different, nobody wants to be an outcast, we all want to belong to something. The same goes for all my travels to far away cultures, or living in a place like Bangladesh (even though it’s impossible to fit in there as a westerner), you feel awkward if you’re too different. Similarly, when I lived in Spain during my gap year, when I moved to Stockholm to go to an elite school, and when I started working inside a big corporation, I changed to fit in. Come to think of it, we constantly adapt when other people are evaluating us and when that evaluation means something to us. That’s how society is structured. In school we adapt according to the education system and our teachers in order to get good grades, at work we adapt according to our employer and boss to get good evaluations and promotions, and in our relationships we compromise and adapt according to our partner to feel loved. I have become an expert at adapting to people and situations, I sometimes believe that I could fit in anywhere, but along the way I feel like I have lost a part of who I really am. Or rather, I feel a gap between who I know that I am inside and who I am to the world. My actions and expressions have not always corresponded perfectly with the person I really am. My true passion and my heart’s desires have been ignored or unheard for too long.

The good thing is that I am now realizing that by following my heart and inner voice to a hundred percent, that gap is getting smaller and smaller. By opening myself up and consciously and intentionally seeking my passion and purpose I am getting back to myself, who I was born as. To be honest, this was my biggest motivation for giving up my previous life and taking this life changing step. Not just to find something I love, but to get back to who I really am.

 

All love and no fear,

Philip

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