I said when I started this blog that I don’t know how it will look like, but I promised that it would be honest. Well, it doesn’t get much more honest than this. A week after vacation mode turned into normal routines here in Rio, the last couple of days have been very hard. I had already had a few difficult phone calls with the girlfriend back in Barcelona due to the distance, but yesterday was especially tough, and my fragile emotional state evoked all kinds of feelings inside me.
I have discovered that when I am writing a personal message to someone very close to me it’s easier to be completely honest, so here is today’s text message completely unedited:
“I just feel like crap. I’m so low I have zero inspiration to do anything right now. And I’m starting to doubt myself and what the hell I’m doing. I’m just so tired of being numb, I just want to be freaking happy and feel alive. I just feel like crying for no apparent reason. I was lying in my bed last night just staring at the ceiling until like 2 am. I can’t even describe how much I’m longing to feel a burning passion in my life, I have been for years. And now that I’ve taken this step, I don’t really feel much better. At least not right now. I just feel even more lost. Before I at least had a purpose, I belonged to something and I was creating at least some sort of value each day. Now I have nothing. No direction, no purpose, I don’t even feel slightly passionate right now.”
It’s tough to even re-read it, but I think I already feel better from sharing this. I acknowledge that I have these feelings, that they are part of the process and I think I need to feel them in order to move on. I also realize that they are temporary. Just because I am feeling like this today, does not mean I have to feel like this tomorrow. The mind is a powerful tool, and our thoughts and perspectives control our world. Having calmed down a bit and realizing this after a cup of coffee in the sun outside the co-working house, I am telling myself to stay positive, to stay hopeful, and to have patience. Everything will be alright.
All love and no fear,